hey kids .. so its pretty much . middle of senior year... officially the middle next wednesday.(senior ditch day bitches) .. annyways.. as the world turns.. i've noticed... i get little panic attacks when i think about my endless future options. it makes me nauseous knowing hooow endless they are.. my future is looking like a huge black whole at this point just suuuuuuuuucking me in.... this is it. this is where and when i start taking control of my life.. things cant be "dreams" anymore. i have to actually put my ideas into action and, take control, and go with it. its weird. i still think i'm like 15. i'm not. im 17 going on 18 in 7 months.. shiit.. when i was talking about the panic attacks i was serious. when im working suddenly everything will go quiet and my heart starts beating really fast.. and i get really disoriented and dizzy whenever i think about how old i really am. maybe its low blood sugar or something.. what the crap. i'm a mess. im not ready to be an adult. i've always thought being an adult was awesome. and i dreamed about being in control and i thought it was cool and all. but i never expected it to really happen. for 18 years i've been babied.. i've lived in my parents house.. i go to school. i rarely pay for things. parents loaned their car to me. IM a greeddy little baby. how do i actually expect to survive in "the real world" in no way am i prepared to take full control of anything. I dont know where i stand on anything. beliefs. purpose. goals. life. its alll poop to me. i mean greek. its all greek to me. Let me recap on my moring... Mom woke me up by yelling at me. i think it was like 6:50. she said something something about bathroom.. toilet not flushed.. clothes on the floor.. drawers opened..she said something like im gross.. disgusting.. people other then me live in the house.. im selfish. i dunno. but i didnt get up for another twenty minutes.. that pissed her off. then i "cleaned everything up".. ok so i just like flushed the toilet. and closed a drawer and went back to bed till 7:30. she yells more. and i finally get up. clean a little better because shes standing there watching me till everythings done. anyways. i avoid getting ready by talking to my mom about the new boy i like. i honestly dont even know what i was talking about.. i just know it wasnt important and i should of been doing something else.. annyways. its like 8:00 moms left.. i get reaDY for school. i still need to do econ homework. i think ten minutes is a sufficient amount of time to do it.. if.... only i could find my book. and that.. is pretty much it.. i know i left you hanging about the book thing.. but obviously i never found it.. and i didnt do my homework.. so i decided not to go to class.. im sooooo mature. I had such high hopes for myself when i was a kid.. whaat the crap happened? UNTIL NEXT TIME.. you kids stay safe